The irreplaceable void

the story that brought tears to my eyes this morning..

A story worth sharing

4 years ago, an accident took my beloved away and very often I wonder, how does my wife, who is now in the heavenly realm, feel right now? She must be feeling extremely sad for leaving a husband who is incapable to taking care of the house and the kid. 'cos that is the exact feeling that I have, as I feel that I have failed to provide for the physical and emotional needs of my child, and failed to be the dad and mum for my child.

There was one particular day, when I had an emergency at work. Hence, I had to leave home whilst my child was still sleeping. So thinking that there were still rice leftovers, I hastily cooked an egg and left after informing my sleepy child.

With the double roles, I am often exhausted at work as well as when I am home. So after a long day, I came home, totally drained of all energy. So with just a brief hug and kiss for my child, I went straight into the room, skipping dinner.

However, when I jumped into my bed with intention of just having a well-deserved sleep, all I heard and felt was broken porcelain and warm liquid! I flipped open my blanket, and there lies the source of the 'problem'... a broken bowl with instant noodles and a mess on the bed sheet and blanket!

Boy, was I mad! I was so furious that I took a clothes hanger, charged straight at my child who was happily playing with his toy, and give him a good spanking! He merely cried but not asking for mercy, except a short explanation:

"Dad, I was hungry and there wasn't anymore leftover rice. But you were not back yet hence I wanted to cook some instant noodles. But I remembered you reminding me not to touch or use the gas stove without any adults around, hence I turned on the shower and used the hot water from the bathroom to cook the noodles. One is for you and the other is for me.

However, I was afraid that the noodles will turn cold, so I hid it under the blanket to keep it warm till you return. But I forgot to remind you 'cos I was playing with my toys...I am sorry Dad..."

At that moment, tears were starting to run down my cheeks...but I didn't want my son to see his dad crying so I dashed into the bathroom and cried with the shower head on to mask my cries. After that episode, I went towards my son to give him a tight hug and applied medication on him, while coaxing him to sleep.

Then, it was time to clear up the mess on the bed. When everything was done and well past midnight, I passed my son's room, and saw that he was still crying, not from the pain on his little buttock, but from looking at the photograph of his beloved mummy.

A year has passed since the episode, I have tried, in this period, to focus on giving him both the love of his dad and mum, and to attend to most of his needs. And soon, he is turning seven, and will be graduating from kindergarten. Fortunately, the incident did not leave a lasting
impression on his childhood memories and he is still happily growing up.

However, not so long ago, I hit my boy again, with much regret. This time, his kindergarten teacher called, informing me of my son's absence from school. I took off early from work and went home, expecting him to explain. But he wasn't to be found, so I went around our house, calling out his name and eventually found him outside a stationery shop, happily playing computer games.

I was fuming, brought him home and whack the hell out of him. He did not retaliate, except to say, 'I am sorry, Dad'. But after much probing, I realized that it was a 'Talent Show' organized by his school and the invite is for every student's mummy. And that was the
reason for his absence as he has no mummy.....

Few days after the caning, my son came home to tell me, the kindergarten has recently taught him how to read and write. Since then, he has kept to himself and stayed in his room to practise his writing, which I am sure, would make my wife proud, if she was still around. 'cos he makes me proud too!

Time passes by very quickly, and soon another year has passed. It's winter, and its Christmas time. Everywhere the Christmas spirit is in every passer-by...Christmas carols and frantic shoppers....but alas, my son got into another trouble.

When I was about to knock off from the day's work, the post office called. Due to the peak season, the post master was also on an edgy mood. He called to tell me that my son has attempted to post several letters with no addressee.

Although I did make a promise never to hit my son again, I couldn't help but to hit him as I feel that this child of mine is really beyond control. Once again, as before, he apologized, ' I'm sorry, Dad' and no additional reason to explain. I pushed him towards a corner, went to the post office to collect the letters with no addressee and came home, and angrily questioned my son on his prank, during this time of the year.

His answer, amidst his sobbing, was : The letters were for Mummy.
My eyes grew teary, but I tried to control my emotions and continued to ask him: " But why did u post so many letters, at one time?"

My son's reply was: " I have been writing to mummy for a long time, but each time I reach out for the post box, it was too high for me, hence I was not able to post the letters. But recently, when I went back to the postbox, I could reach it and I sent it all at once..."

After hearing this, I was lost. Lost at not knowing what to do, what to say.....

I told my son, " Son, mummy is in the heavenly kingdom, so in future, if you have anything to tell her, just burn the letter and it will reach mummy. My son, on hearing this, was much pacified and calm, and soon after, he was sleeping soundly. On promising that I will burn the letters on his behalf, I brought the letters outside, but couldnt help opening the letter before they turn to ash.

And one of the letters broke my heart....

Dear Mummy,
I miss you so much! Today, there was a 'Talent Show' in school, and the school invited all mothers for the show. But you are not around, so I did not want to participate as well. I did not tell Dad about it as I was afraid that Dad would start to cry and miss you all over again.

Dad went around looking for me, but in order to hide my sadness, I sat in front of the computer and started playing games at one of the shops. Dad was furious, and he couldnt help it but scolded and hit me, but I did not tell him the real reason.

Mummy, everyday I see Dad missing you and whenever he think of you, he is so sad and often hide and cry in his room. I think we both miss you very very much. Too much for our own good I think.

But Mummy, I am starting to forget your face. Can you please appear in my dreams so that I can see your face and remember you? I heard that if you fall asleep with the photograph of the person whom you miss, you will see the person in your dreams. But mummy, why haven’t you appear?

After reading the letter, I can’t stop sobbing. 'cos I can never replace the irreplaceable gap left behind by my wife....

For the females with children:
Don't do so much overtime. If you cannot finish the work, it must be some kind of problems within the company, and it is not your sole problem. Feedback to your boss. Endless overtime may not necessary be the answer to the problem. Take care of your health so that you can treasure and take care of your little precious.

For the married men:
Drink less, smoke less, cos nothing can replace your good health, not even business nor clients.
Try thinking this way, are you able to work till your clients are totally dependent on you? Or your boss is totally dependent on you? In this society, no one is indispensable.
Take care of your health, so that you can take care of your little precious and your loved ones.

For those singles out there:
Beauty lies in loving yourself first.
With confidence and loving yourself, you will see the beauty in other things around you. You will be able to work better and happier. Don't let your health be affected by your work or your boss, so nothing matters more than your well being.

i need space

after so many weeks of family outings on saturdays, finally i thought to myself, i will have some time for myself today... I didnt have to teach, since it is deepavali today..

have a church party this evening, and was invited to go... so i made my decision to go... the couple who invited me were dad and mum's friends as well, but mum had some not-so-pleasant situations with them before so her impression of them isnt very good.. they invited me to ask my mum along too but I guess I shouldnt even ask her.

told her that i'd be going out, she walked past me juz now and grumbled... saying that i'm always very "hong sim" (hokkien), and not focused at all...

really don't understand. focus wat?! focus on staying at home and be a good little girl, forever not going out to meet friends, and how on earth can / would I be able to get a bf?! o_o lll

and these few weeks keep talking about getting married. duh.

yday nite she suddenly say want to go my uncle's place to settle the details for zurich, and i readily agreed. why cant i have some time and space of my own today then?

sometimes juz feel that the time I purposely take out to spend with her has gone so unappreciated and taken for granted. umpteen times i have cancelled outings with my friends because of her, many times i had to leave early to go home also because she was upset / angry / etc.

help. i need some space. leave me alone!!!

God, pls help me with this?

October 12, 2009
The Healing Choice to Forgive by Rick Warren

"Never pay back evil with more evil . . . Don't let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good" (Romans 12:17, 21 NLT).

What is your normal reaction when people hurt you intentionally? Retaliate! Get even!

We're often at our creative best when we're thinking up methods to get even.

But the Bible teaches we need to make a choice to forgive. Instead of reacting, we should take the initiative to forgive.

In his book, Why Am I Afraid To Tell You Who I Am?, John Powell says he was walking down the street with a friend and they stopped to get a paper.

The man selling the paper was discourteous and very rude.

As they walked away, John's friend said to the man, "You have a nice day, now!"

John asked his friend, "Is that man always that rude to you?"

"Yes.""Are you always that nice to him?"

John's friend said, "Yes, I'm not going to let one man ruin my day."

The brilliant African-American scientist, Booker T. Washington, faced prejudice all his life, but he made a very significant choice about how he would handle it: "I will never allow another man to control or ruin my life by making me hate him."

The moment you start retaliating or seeking revenge is the same moment you give up control of your life. You have allowed the person you're angry at to gain control of your life because you are reacting, which is a position of weakness, as opposed to forgiving, which is a position of Christlike strength.

declaration of the closure of the "project"

i have just officially told myself that i will put a closure to move-house project...

been mega busy the past few weeks, doing "research", calling agents, getting put off by some of them.. viewing house, travelling up and down, even going to the extent of begging someone to view a house we were interested in... these efforts have come to naught.

was at grandpa's house today when i brought up the subject to her again - mentioning that hdb prices have softened very much and 5-room prices are much better as compared to prob. 1 month ago... well, she only heard it. wasn't listening at all. i wasn't convinced, thus pushed for an answer from her... - didnt say much.

when we left grandpa's place.. i still didnt give up. i wanted her to say "yes" to start viewing flats again.. (haha, sometimes I wonder where did my persistence come from?).. and this time she said "can u leave me alone, for a few months?" then i was like "A FEW MONTHS?! okay then i treat it as the valuation done is in vain..." and i kept quiet.

throughout the journey home, i didnt speak a word because there were so many things going through my mind. what was that going to mean? does it mean that after a few months, this topic is going to surface again? does it mean that I had to do all the work, and get played out in the end? this is going to be endless.

and that was when i made up my mind. I am not going to bring up that topic again. I am not going to do anything - even if this topic were to surface again. too much pain, disappointment, the feeling of being played out is definitely not good. if there was no existence of mr. opposition, perhaps things might have worked out better. God, when did he changed to be like that?

a friend posted on facebook - if everyone were to care a little less for themselves and more for others, the world will be a better place to live in. does it really work this way? I felt that I have given so much of care, spent the most time, considering alot of her -- the reason of moving is for her to be near her sibilings, to have company / companions whenever we're not around... to at least, have relatives nearer, as compared to now. but all these were unseen. to him, maybe he thought that i pushed and worked so hard for this "project" so that if it materialises, i would be really near my workplace. yes, that is the bonus for me. but it was not the driving force of this from the start.

the chinese saying goes something like (direct translation) - "every family has a "book" that is difficult to read"... now, since this book is beyond my level, I shall graciously put it down. Why do I force myself to continue reading it? Put it down, it will probably be of a lesser burden for you.

smile, and the world smiles with you. that is if you will smile. the choice is yours. choose the right one.

its the launch of another project called... project B.

tired

enough is enough. just feel like saying this and being able to mean it..

it is like a battlefield - a never ending battle i fight, mentally & emotionally. its very tiring. i had enough.

God I wish I could have a home to call my own. where's Mr. Right?... yah, wrong motive for asking that, sorry.. just wish to have my own home, a place that i can find solace.

its not her, though sometimes i wish she could juz "slap" him and wake him up (which i know it will never happen)...

just find it so hard to live with him as we grew older. its always about his agenda. its always about him and him alone. why cant he spare a thought for others? totally non-family oriented. so inward looking, so self centered.

when grandma's around, and was diagnosed with colon cancer, he always said that he will visit her, sometimes asked me to pass her $... i never could convince the idea to him that it is not the money that matter anymore, is the time that is spent with her...

for all that you do for the house - thank you. but for the bulk that you didnt do at home daily, i just simply hate to pick up the leftover pieces that you neglect anymore. but if i don't do it, she will have do it. i just hate to see that you take her for granted. food gets served on the table, you eat and just leave it.

cups for plain water used, not one, not two, but several... left there on the table.. i used to be kind and clear all those too. but not anymore.

toilet papers left unrefilled, toilets uncleaned, dishes not washed... ur own clothes not washed, even if you do, u leave them in the washing machine till someone finds it and does it for you... enough is enough. i do those no more.

sorry you had to carry this burden.. i wish i could help, but i'm feel so drained. why should i help someone who is able to do it on his own? just becos of plain laziness, or maybe i should say, being so spoilt, that you no longer do these basic day-to-day stuffs? i am not asking for much. i just wish you could play your part.

always "nagging" at us to keep the table clear, but what do you do to your own room? it looks like world war II just ended there. and the living room? its full of your stuff. stop ordering me around.

she gave the excuse that you smoke becos of work stress. but isn't it the same???!!!! now that you're not in that so-called "stressful" working environment... you're still smoking!!! okay so wats the excuse now? becos you lost your job and it's not easy doing what you're doing now?... whatever. I just find that you need to be taught some survival skills, stress management skills, and something to deflate your sky high ego till you can start getting along with people and be more automatic.

don't wait to be told what needs to be done.

life's isnt just about you alone. stop acting like everyone in the world owes you something.